He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Don’t touch that.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.