@JediGigi: He said I won his heart and I was all "Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil."
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@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
@nbadag: [me as a passenger on the titanic] oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
@ssholeEric: Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
@ericallenhatch: THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer's space.