He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.