He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
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Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Oh deer
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise