He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.