He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Human are so complicated
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.