you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.