He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur