I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
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[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough