So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.