@jammiiepants: He says I'm cute when I'm mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@mofrorock: Personal ad: Handsome man (29), seeks short, open minded women to poke him in the eye with umbrellas. Busy streets only. No names please.
@BackrowSeats: Remember that someone out there is thinking of you right now, figuring out how to make your death look like an accident.