He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.