My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.