don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Cartman: Respect my
a a
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to