He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
LA today:
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
do what now??
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.