@VeroniKaboom: "He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I'd totally hit that."
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@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it's the pug
@decentbirthday: Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible Me: Okay do a kickflip Jodie: What Me: Do a double kickflip right now
@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year! Me: Cool, what color? 8yo: Orange! Me: 8yo: Me: *pours drink* Let's do it
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: Why don't we say Grace? Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?