“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it