“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Noted.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Worst Native American name ever.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.