Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
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I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.