@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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@ericsshadow: STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
@dril: BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
@daemonic3: What is the deal with airplane food? Seriously, I'm trying to feed this thing and I don't know what airplanes eat.
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire. Me: *gives her recipe for my mom's peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.