@2tickytacky: He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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@SirEviscerate: How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds: Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
@MrEd_EVH: Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth. -thug life
@adamthislife: Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I'm not doing too bad.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: This is the 3rd time I've seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means? Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?