He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
You learn something every day
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
fourth time’s the charm
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
For those that worship cheese..
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.