Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Stop.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.