Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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Get a dog they said 鈥hey never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[cop sniffing me] you鈥檙e all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I鈥檒l try
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can鈥檛 scream and yell when I have an injured back!
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you鈥檙e tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she鈥檚 had it with you.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we鈥檒l be even.
this post was so formative to me
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[In car, headed to store]
7: What鈥檚 wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they鈥檙e itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?