the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”