@BeCoco77: He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
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@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
@FKACornshucks: This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight. That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
@Kyle_Raney: "I'd like to make a toast." - piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
@jwoodham: Everyone's talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.