@BeCoco77: He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
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@GinAndJif: Pretend you’re in Game of Thrones by shouting “Open the gate!” as you stride purposefully towards an automatic door.
@ifuseekamynow: I want to follow you back, really, I do. But the hash tags. My god the hash tags.
@DBMaxP: Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
@iGreenMonk: Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?