*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…