According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
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[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.