@roxaroodw: He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
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@sannewman: Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
@FatherWithTwins: My 6yo wouldn't eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I...I just...I'm gonna need a min here.
@TheAlexNevil: Drumpf's presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn't possibly win
@Sickayduh: Me: *goes to jail for murdering coworkers* Boss: You're still coming in early tomorrow, right?