[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
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My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[shakes fist at other fist]