I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You Might Also Like
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…