@Faux_Ma: He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered "What makes you think this is steak?" While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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@bridger_w: The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
@sarcasticmommy4: If you think you're having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn't feel right.
@evildadatron: [first date questions] You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses...and she's gone Whatever she's probably vegan
@darinlovesbacon: I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments