He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
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My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?