I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I unironically love this joke.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.