He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
You Might Also Like
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.