@ValeeGrrl: He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could "relax" so now I'm sitting here suspicious that he's done something to piss me off.
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'd like to pay by card." Waiter: "Contactless?" Me: "No, you can cuddle me."
@shaztaberry: Daughter: dad Im a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do
@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@sarcasm_inc: [airport security pulls Robocop aside] -Got ID? I AM A POLICE OFFIC- -Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u. THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH- -Save it pal