He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.