He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK