He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM