He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!