He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
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It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
got so much cardio in today
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My love language is deader than Latin
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.