@donni: He was a man of peace...until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into...A Man Of Burning Things Down
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
@Brampersandon_: [COPS] *into radio* We've got a drunk man in the park who thinks he's a lion tamer. "SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!"
@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
@ObscureGent: My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.