He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset