He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
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*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED