He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
You Might Also Like
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
The glockness monster
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
meow
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
No selfies while hijacking a train.