He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
welp
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I have two kinds of followers
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.