“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
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just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
For the orator and chef in all of us
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.