He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
You Might Also Like
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Animal poetry
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please