okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
when you don’t want to be too vague
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.