You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
You got this…
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.