MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house