Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share