So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
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buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood