Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.