one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
No, I don’t think I will.