Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
The A string on my guit_r is flat
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.