My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one