Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
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[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Thank you corporation very cool
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.