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If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
😜
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season